What babies Need and Want
FROM the time of his birth, the newborn needs tender care, including gentle strokes and skin-to-skin contact. Some physicians believe that the first 12 hours after birth are crucial. They say that what mother and child require and want most right after the delivery is "not sleep or food, but to stroke and snuggle and to look at and listen to each other."*
Instinctively, parents reach out, cuddle, stroke, and snuggle their baby. The baby, in turn, becomes securely attached to his parents and responds to their attention. The power of this bond is so strong that parents will make sacrifices to care for the infant without letup.
On the other hand, without a loving parental bond, an infant may literally wilt and die. Therefore, some doctors believe it is important that a baby be given to his mother immediately after the delivery. They suggest that at least 30 to 60 minutes of early contact between parent and infant should be provided.
Despite the emphasis some put on bonding, early contact may be difficult, if not impossible, in some hospitals. Often, newborns are separated from the mother because of the danger of transmission of infection to the child. Some evidence indicates, though, that the rate of fatal infections may actually drop when newborns stay with the mothers. So more and more hospitals are open to early extended contact between the mother and the newborn.
Concern About Bonding
Some mothers do not become emotionally attached to their baby the first time they see him. So they wonder, 'Will I have trouble bonding?' Admittedly, not all mothers fall in love with their baby at first sight. Yet, there is no need to be anxious.
Even when maternal affection for the baby is delayed, it can develop fully later. "There's no one birth circumstance that makes or breaks your relationship with your child," observes an experienced mother. Still, if you are expecting a baby and have concerns, it may be wise to have a discussion with your obstetrician in advance. Be clear about your wishes on when and how long you want to interact with your newborn.
"Talk to Me!"
There seem to be certain windows of time during which infants are especially sensitive to specific stimuli. Those windows close after a while. For instance, the young brain masters a language with ease, even more than one. But the most receptive period for learning language seems to begin to close at about the age of five.
After a child reaches 12 to 14 years of age, learning a language can be a formidable challenge. According to pediatric neurologist Peter Huttenlocher, that is when "the density and number of synapses in the language areas of the brain decrease." Clearly, the first few years of life are a critical time for acquiring language ability!
How do infants accomplish the feat of learning to speak, which is so important for the rest of their cognitive development? Primarily through verbal interactions with the parents. Infants especially respond to human stimuli. "A baby . . . imitates its mother's voice," observes Barry Arons of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Interestingly, however, babies do not imitate all sounds. As Arons observes, the baby "does not insert the cradle squeaks that have occurred simultaneously with the mother's speech."
Parents of varied cultural backgrounds speak to their babies using the same rhythmic speaking style that some call "Parentese." As the parent speaks in a loving way, the heart rate of the infant increases. This is believed to assist in hastening the connection between words and the objects they denote. Without saying a word, the infant is calling out: "Talk to me!"
"Look at Me!"
It has been established that during the first year or so, the infant forms an emotional attachment to an adult caregiver, generally his mother. When securely bonded, the baby relates better to others than do babies who do not enjoy the security of the parental bond. Such bonding with his mother, it is believed, needs to be in place by the time the child is three.
What may happen if an infant is neglected during this critical period when his mind is highly susceptible to outside influence? Martha Farrell Erickson, who tracked 267 mothers and their children for over 20 years, expresses this opinion: "Neglect just slowly and persistently eats away at the child's spirit until [the child] has little will to connect with others or explore the world."
In an effort to illustrate his view regarding the serious consequences of emotional neglect, Dr. Bruce Perry of Texas Children's Hospital says: "If you asked me to take a 6-month-old and choose between breaking every bone in its body or emotionally ignoring it for two months, I'd say the baby would be better off if you broke every bone in its body." Why? In Perry's view, "bones can heal, but if an infant misses out on two months of crucial brain stimulation, you will have a forever disorganized brain." Not all agree that such damage is irreparable. Still, scientific studies do indicate that an emotionally enriching environment is vital for the young mind.
"In short," says the book Infants, "[babies] are prepared to love and be loved." When an infant cries, often he is begging his parents: "Look at me!" It is important for the parents to respond in a caring way. Through such interactions, the baby becomes aware that he is able to make his needs known to others. He is learning to form social relationships with others.
Silent Babies
Some physicians in Japan say there is an increase in the number of babies who neither cry nor smile. Pediatrician Satoshi Yanagisawa calls them silent babies. Why do the babies stop expressing their emotions? Some doctors believe that the condition arises because babies are deprived of parental contact. The condition is called enforced helplessness. One theory suggests that when needs for communication are constantly ignored or misinterpreted, the infants eventually give up trying.
If a baby is not given proper stimulus at the right time, the part of his brain that makes him empathic may not develop, suggests Dr. Bruce Perry, chief of psychiatry at Texas Children's Hospital. In cases of profound emotional neglect, capacity to feel empathy may be irretrievably lost. Dr. Perry believes that in some cases substance abuse and adolescent violence can be linked to such early life experiences.
'Won't I Spoil the Baby?'
'If I respond to every cry of the baby, won't I spoil him?' you might ask. Perhaps. Opinions vary widely on this question. As each child is unique, parents generally have to determine which approach works best. However, some recent research indicates that when the newborn infant is hungry, uncomfortable, or upset, his stress-response systems release stress hormones. He expresses his distress by crying. It is said that when the parent responds and fills the baby's needs, the adult starts to create in the baby's brain the networks of cells that help him to learn to soothe himself. Also, according to Dr. Megan Gunnar, a baby who has received responsive care produces less of the stress hormone cortisol. And even when he does become upset, he turns off the stress reaction sooner.
"In fact," says Erickson, "babies who have been responded to quickly and consistently, especially during the first 6-8 months of life, actually cry less than babies who have been left to cry." It is also important to diversify how you respond. If you respond the same way on each occasion, such as by feeding him or holding him, he can indeed become spoiled. At times, just acknowledging his cry with your voice may suffice. Or moving close to the baby and talking gently in his ear may be effective. On the other hand, touching his back or stomach with your hand may do the trick.
"It's a baby's job to cry." So goes the saying in the Orient. For the baby, crying is the major way to communicate what he wants. How would you feel if you were ignored every time you asked for something? So, then, how would your baby, who is helpless without a caregiver, feel if he was slighted every time he yearned for attention? Who, though, should respond to his cry?
Who Cares for the Baby?
A recent census in the United States revealed that 54 percent of children from birth through third grade regularly receive some form of child care from persons other than their parents. Many families may need two incomes to make ends meet. And many mothers take maternity leave, if possible, to care for their newborn for a few weeks or months. But who is going to care for the baby after that?
Of course, there are no hard-and-fast rules to govern such decisions. However, it is good to remember that the child is still vulnerable during this crucial period of his life. Both parents together need to give the matter serious consideration. When deciding what to do, they must consider the options carefully.
"It's becoming increasingly clear that allowing even the best of child care programs to raise our offspring doesn't substitute for the time that children need from their mothers and fathers," says Dr. Joseph Zanga, of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Some experts have raised concerns that infants at day-care facilities do not get to interact with the caregiver as much as they need to.
Some working mothers, being aware of their child's vital needs, have decided that they would stay home rather than let other people take over the emotional nurturing of their children. One woman stated: "I have been blessed with a contentment I honestly believe no other job could give me." Of course, economic pressures do not allow all mothers to make such choices. Many parents have no option but to make use of day-care facilities, so they put extra effort into giving their child attention and affection when they are together. Similarly, many working single parents have few options in this regard and make outstanding efforts in raising their children—with fine results.
Parenting can be a joyful work, full of excitement. Still, it is a challenging, demanding job. How can you succeed?
* In this series of articles, Awake! presents the views of a number of respected child-care authorities, as findings of this kind may be useful and informative to parents. Still, it must be acknowledged that such views are often subject to change and revision over time, unlike the Biblical standards that Awake! upholds without reservation.
The bond between parent and baby grows stronger as they communicate
Appeared in Awake! December 22, 2003
Monday, April 27, 2009
What makes a good father?
Absent Fathers—A Growing Problem
FATHERS are abandoning their families in increasing numbers. In the late 1990’s, the newspaper USA Today called the United States “the world leader in families without fathers.” However, the absence of fathers is a worldwide problem.
In Brazil a 2000 census report revealed that the number of families headed by women was 11.2 million out of a total of 44.7 million. In Nicaragua, 25 percent of children lived with their mothers only. In Costa Rica the number of children not recognized by their own fathers rose during the 1990’s from 21.1 percent to 30.4 percent.
The statistics from these three countries are just a sampling of the worldwide trend. Consider another aspect of the problem of absent fathers.
Present but Not Available
Please see the box “Daddy, When Will You Come Again?” Nao, now 23 years of age, confesses: “Before I started elementary school, I rarely saw Father. Once as he was leaving, I begged him, ‘Come back, won’t you?’”
Family relationships such as that of Nao with her father are what moved the Polish writer Piotr Szczukiewicz to say: “The father seems to be an important missing factor in the family.” True, many fathers live with their families and provide them economic support. Yet, as the French magazine Capital put it, “too many fathers content themselves with being food suppliers, without being educators.”
Often, the situation is that the father is in the family but is not involved in the lives of his children. His attention is focused elsewhere. “Even if [the father] is physically present,” notes the French magazine Famille chrétienne, “he can be absent psychologically.” Why are so many fathers today mentally and emotionally absent from their families?
As the above journal explains, a basic reason is that “he fails to understand the role of a father or husband.” According to the view of many fathers, the role of a good father is simply to bring home a decent wage. As Polish writer Józef Augustyn stated, “many fathers think they are good parents because they provide money for the family.” But doing that is only part of a father’s responsibility.
The fact is, children don’t judge their father’s worth by the amount of money he makes or the monetary value of gifts he may give them. Rather, what children really want—far more than material gifts—is their father’s love, time, and attention. These are what truly matter to them.
Need for Reexamination
According to a report by the Japanese Central Council for Education, “fathers should re-examine their lifestyle, which is excessively devoted to work.” The question is, Will a father make an adjustment for the sake of his children? The German newspaper Gießener Allgemeine reported a study in which most fathers interviewed refused to put their children ahead of their career.
Young ones can be deeply hurt by what may appear to be their father’s lack of concern for them. Lidia, now aged 21, has vivid memories of what her father was like when she was a young girl in Poland. She explains: “He never talked to us. We lived in different worlds. He didn’t know I spent my leisure time in discos.” Similarly, Macarena, a 21-year-old from Spain, says that when she was a child, her father “went off on weekends with his friends to enjoy himself, and several times he disappeared for some days.”
Establishing Proper Priorities
Most fathers may realize that they give too little time and attention to their children. A Japanese father of a teenage son said: “I am hoping that my child will understand my situation. I am always thinking of him, even when I am busy.” Yet, will merely wishing that a child will understand his father’s absence solve the problem?
There is no doubt about it, real effort—yes, sacrifice—is necessary to satisfy a child’s needs. Clearly, providing children with what they need most—namely, love, time, and attention—is not easy. Jesus Christ said: “Man must live, not on bread [or, material food] alone.” (Matthew 4:4) It is also true that children cannot grow up successfully with only material things. As a father, are you willing to sacrifice what may be very precious to you—your time or possibly even advancement in your career—to be available for your children?
The Mainichi Daily News of February 10, 1986, told about a father who came to appreciate how important his children really were. It reported: “A top executive of the Japanese National Railways (JNR) chose resignation rather than separation from his family.” The newspaper then quoted the executive as saying: “The job of the director general can be taken by anybody. But I am the only father of my children.”
Indeed, a first step in becoming a good father is to recognize the kind of father children need. Let us examine what is involved in being that kind of father.
“Daddy, When Will You Come Again?”
That was the question five-year-old Nao, a Japanese girl, asked her father as he was leaving for work one day. Although he lived at home, she rarely saw him. He routinely arrived from work after Nao was in bed and left for work before she awoke.
Appeared in Awake! August 22, 2004
FATHERS are abandoning their families in increasing numbers. In the late 1990’s, the newspaper USA Today called the United States “the world leader in families without fathers.” However, the absence of fathers is a worldwide problem.
In Brazil a 2000 census report revealed that the number of families headed by women was 11.2 million out of a total of 44.7 million. In Nicaragua, 25 percent of children lived with their mothers only. In Costa Rica the number of children not recognized by their own fathers rose during the 1990’s from 21.1 percent to 30.4 percent.
The statistics from these three countries are just a sampling of the worldwide trend. Consider another aspect of the problem of absent fathers.
Present but Not Available
Please see the box “Daddy, When Will You Come Again?” Nao, now 23 years of age, confesses: “Before I started elementary school, I rarely saw Father. Once as he was leaving, I begged him, ‘Come back, won’t you?’”
Family relationships such as that of Nao with her father are what moved the Polish writer Piotr Szczukiewicz to say: “The father seems to be an important missing factor in the family.” True, many fathers live with their families and provide them economic support. Yet, as the French magazine Capital put it, “too many fathers content themselves with being food suppliers, without being educators.”
Often, the situation is that the father is in the family but is not involved in the lives of his children. His attention is focused elsewhere. “Even if [the father] is physically present,” notes the French magazine Famille chrétienne, “he can be absent psychologically.” Why are so many fathers today mentally and emotionally absent from their families?
As the above journal explains, a basic reason is that “he fails to understand the role of a father or husband.” According to the view of many fathers, the role of a good father is simply to bring home a decent wage. As Polish writer Józef Augustyn stated, “many fathers think they are good parents because they provide money for the family.” But doing that is only part of a father’s responsibility.
The fact is, children don’t judge their father’s worth by the amount of money he makes or the monetary value of gifts he may give them. Rather, what children really want—far more than material gifts—is their father’s love, time, and attention. These are what truly matter to them.
Need for Reexamination
According to a report by the Japanese Central Council for Education, “fathers should re-examine their lifestyle, which is excessively devoted to work.” The question is, Will a father make an adjustment for the sake of his children? The German newspaper Gießener Allgemeine reported a study in which most fathers interviewed refused to put their children ahead of their career.
Young ones can be deeply hurt by what may appear to be their father’s lack of concern for them. Lidia, now aged 21, has vivid memories of what her father was like when she was a young girl in Poland. She explains: “He never talked to us. We lived in different worlds. He didn’t know I spent my leisure time in discos.” Similarly, Macarena, a 21-year-old from Spain, says that when she was a child, her father “went off on weekends with his friends to enjoy himself, and several times he disappeared for some days.”
Establishing Proper Priorities
Most fathers may realize that they give too little time and attention to their children. A Japanese father of a teenage son said: “I am hoping that my child will understand my situation. I am always thinking of him, even when I am busy.” Yet, will merely wishing that a child will understand his father’s absence solve the problem?
There is no doubt about it, real effort—yes, sacrifice—is necessary to satisfy a child’s needs. Clearly, providing children with what they need most—namely, love, time, and attention—is not easy. Jesus Christ said: “Man must live, not on bread [or, material food] alone.” (Matthew 4:4) It is also true that children cannot grow up successfully with only material things. As a father, are you willing to sacrifice what may be very precious to you—your time or possibly even advancement in your career—to be available for your children?
The Mainichi Daily News of February 10, 1986, told about a father who came to appreciate how important his children really were. It reported: “A top executive of the Japanese National Railways (JNR) chose resignation rather than separation from his family.” The newspaper then quoted the executive as saying: “The job of the director general can be taken by anybody. But I am the only father of my children.”
Indeed, a first step in becoming a good father is to recognize the kind of father children need. Let us examine what is involved in being that kind of father.
“Daddy, When Will You Come Again?”
That was the question five-year-old Nao, a Japanese girl, asked her father as he was leaving for work one day. Although he lived at home, she rarely saw him. He routinely arrived from work after Nao was in bed and left for work before she awoke.
Appeared in Awake! August 22, 2004
Parents-Be a fine example to your children
PSYCHOLOGISTS can call off their century-long search for the key to rearing a good child—not because they’ve found it but because it doesn’t exist.” So said a Time magazine review of a book on child rearing. The book argues that children primarily absorb the values of their peers, not those of their parents.
There is no denying that peer pressure is a powerful force to be reckoned with. (Proverbs 13:20; 1 Corinthians 15:33) Columnist William Brown observed: “If there is any single, secular God for the teenager it is the God of conformity. . . . Being different for teens is a fate worse than death.” When parents fail to make homelife warm and inviting or do not spend enough time with their children—both of which are common situations in today’s busy world—they are, in effect, opening the door for peer influence to play havoc with their children.
Furthermore, during these “last days,” the family unit is under attack because, as the Bible foretold, people are preoccupied with money, pleasures, and self. Should we be surprised, then, to see children becoming “disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection”?—2 Timothy 3:1-3.
The term “natural affection,” as used in the Bible, describes familial love. This love is a natural bond that moves parents to care for their children and children to cling to their parents. But when parents lack natural affection, children will look elsewhere for emotional support—generally to their peers, whose values and attitudes they will probably adopt. Yet, this situation can often be avoided if parents allow Bible principles to govern their family life.—Proverbs 3:5, 6.
The Family—A Divine Institution
After uniting Adam and Eve as husband and wife, God gave them this mandate: “Be fruitful and become many and fill the earth.” Thereafter, the family—father, mother, and children—came into being. (Genesis 1:28; 5:3, 4; Ephesians 3:14, 15) To help humans rear their children, Jehovah made certain basic aspects of parenting instinctive. Unlike animals, though, humans need additional help, so Jehovah provided written guidelines for them. Included are directions on moral and spiritual matters and on the proper disciplining of children.—Proverbs 4:1-4.
Addressing fathers in particular, God said: “These words that I am commanding you today must prove to be on your heart; and you must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deuteronomy 6:6, 7; Proverbs 1:8, 9) Note that parents were to put God’s law into their own heart first. Why was this important? Because the kind of teaching that truly motivates others is not from the mouth but from the heart. Only when parents teach from their heart will they reach the heart of their offspring. Such parents will also serve as fine examples for their children, who are quick to detect insincerity.—Romans 2:21.
Christian parents are told to teach their children from infancy “the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4, The Amplified Bible; 2 Timothy 3:15) From infancy? Yes! “Sometimes we parents don’t give children the credit they deserve,” wrote one mother. “We underestimate their abilities. The potential is there. We parents must utilize it.” Yes, children love to learn, and when taught by godly parents, they will also learn to love. Such children will feel safe and secure within the boundaries set for them. Hence, successful parents strive to be loving companions, good communicators, and patient but firm teachers, providing a wholesome environment in which their children thrive.*
Protect Your Children
In a letter to parents, a concerned headmaster in Germany wrote: “We should like to encourage you dear parents to venture to take a greater hand yourselves in the upbringing of your children and not surrender to the television or to the street what is actually your own share of [the responsibility for] their personality development.”
To surrender one’s child to the television or the street is, in effect, to let the spirit of the world influence the child’s upbringing. (Ephesians 2:1, 2) In direct opposition to God’s spirit, this worldly spirit, like a strong wind, carries the seeds of “earthly, animal, demonic” thinking and liberally deposits them in the mind and heart of the naive or foolish. (James 3:15) These weedlike infestations eventually corrupt the heart. Jesus illustrated the effect of what is sown in the heart, saying: “A good man brings forth good out of the good treasure of his heart, but a wicked man brings forth what is wicked out of his wicked treasure; for out of the heart’s abundance his mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45) Hence, the Bible exhorts us: “More than all else that is to be guarded, safeguard your heart, for out of it are the sources of life.”—Proverbs 4:23.
Of course, children are children, and some are prone to be contrary, even wayward. (Genesis 8:21) What can parents do? “Foolishness is tied up with the heart of a boy; the rod of discipline is what will remove it far from him,” says the Bible. (Proverbs 22:15) Some view this as harsh treatment that is out-of-date. Actually, the Bible is against violence and abuse of any sort. The “rod,” though at times literal, represents parental authority that is administered firmly but lovingly and appropriately out of concern for the children’s eternal welfare.—Hebrews 12:7-11.
Enjoy Recreation With Your Children
It is common knowledge that for children to develop properly, they need play and diversion. Wise parents take advantage of opportunities to reinforce the parent-child bond by enjoying recreation with their children whenever possible. Thus, not only can parents guide their children in choosing the right kind of recreation but they can also show the children how much they value their company.
One Witness father says that he often played ball with his son when he came home from work. A mother recalls that board games were a favorite with her children. A grown daughter remembers that her family enjoyed cycling together. All these children are now adults, but their love for their parents—and for Jehovah—is as strong as ever if not stronger.
Truly, parents who show by word and action that they love their children and want to be with them make a deep impression that often lasts a lifetime. For example, many of the graduates of one class of the Watchtower Bible School of Gilead related that their desire to pursue the full-time ministry could be attributed to the example and encouragement of their parents. What a wonderful heritage for the children and what a blessing for the parents! Granted, not all children are in a position to enter the full-time ministry when they get older, but all will certainly benefit from and honor God-fearing parents who become their closest friends and role models.—Proverbs 22:6; Ephesians 6:2, 3.
Single Parents Can Succeed
Today, many children grow up in single-parent homes. While this adds to the challenge of raising a child, success can be achieved. Single parents can take heart from the Biblical example of Eunice, a Jewish Christian of the first century. Married to an unbeliever, Eunice likely received no spiritual support from her husband. Nonetheless, she was exemplary in teaching Timothy. Her good influence on Timothy from his infancy, along with that of Lois, Timothy’s grandmother, proved to be more powerful than any negative influence that might have come from some of Timothy’s peers.—Acts 16:1, 2; 2 Timothy 1:5; 3:15.
Many young ones today who have grown up with an unbelieving parent or in a single-parent home reflect the same fine qualities young Timothy had. For example, Ryan, now 22 years old and a full-time minister, grew up in a single-parent home with his older brother and sister. Their father was an alcoholic, and he left the family when Ryan was four. “Mom was determined that our household continue to serve Jehovah,” recalled Ryan, “and she followed through on that resolve with all her heart.”
“For one thing,” said Ryan, “Mother made sure that we children enjoyed positive peer influence. She never allowed us to mix with those whom the Bible describes as bad associations, whether outside or inside the congregation. She also inculcated within us the right view of secular education.” Even though Ryan’s mother was often busy and tired from work, this did not prevent her from taking a loving interest in her children. “She always wanted to be with us and talk with us,” said Ryan. “She was a patient but firm teacher, doing her best to make sure we had a regular family Bible study. When it came to Bible principles, ‘compromise’ was not in her dictionary.”
Looking back, Ryan realizes that the most powerful human influence in his life and that of his older siblings was from a parent who truly loved God and loved her children. So you Christian parents—married or widowed, with or without a believing mate—do not give in to discouragement or temporary setbacks as you strive to teach your children. At times, some young ones, like the prodigal son, may turn away from the truth. But when they see how shallow and cold the world really is, they may return. Yes, “the righteous is walking in his integrity. Happy are his sons after him.”—Proverbs 20:7; 23:24, 25; Luke 15:11-24.
* For a more detailed discussion of these specific points, see pages 55-9 of the book The Secret of Family Happiness, published by Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Jesus’ Parents Chosen By God
When he sent his Son to be born as a human, Jehovah chose Jesus’ parents carefully. Interestingly, he chose a lowly, spiritually-minded couple who did not pamper Jesus but taught him God’s Word and the value of hard work and responsibility. (Proverbs 29:21; Lamentations 3:27) Joseph taught Jesus the trade of carpentry, and no doubt both Joseph and Mary called upon Jesus, the firstborn, to help them with the care of their other children, numbering at least six.—Mark 6:3.
You can picture Joseph’s family working together at Passover time to prepare for their annual journey to Jerusalem—a 130-mile [200 km] round-trip made without modern transportation. To be sure, a family of nine or more would have to be well-organized for such a long journey. (Luke 2:39, 41) Despite the challenges, Joseph and Mary no doubt valued these occasions, perhaps taking advantage of them to teach their children about past Biblical events.
While still at home, Jesus “continued subject to” his parents, all the time “progressing in wisdom and in physical growth and in favor with God and men.” (Luke 2:51, 52) Yes, Joseph and Mary proved worthy of Jehovah’s trust. What a fine example they are for parents today!—Psalm 127:3.
Appeared in The Watchtower April 1, 2006
Copyright © 2008 Watch Tower Bible
There is no denying that peer pressure is a powerful force to be reckoned with. (Proverbs 13:20; 1 Corinthians 15:33) Columnist William Brown observed: “If there is any single, secular God for the teenager it is the God of conformity. . . . Being different for teens is a fate worse than death.” When parents fail to make homelife warm and inviting or do not spend enough time with their children—both of which are common situations in today’s busy world—they are, in effect, opening the door for peer influence to play havoc with their children.
Furthermore, during these “last days,” the family unit is under attack because, as the Bible foretold, people are preoccupied with money, pleasures, and self. Should we be surprised, then, to see children becoming “disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection”?—2 Timothy 3:1-3.
The term “natural affection,” as used in the Bible, describes familial love. This love is a natural bond that moves parents to care for their children and children to cling to their parents. But when parents lack natural affection, children will look elsewhere for emotional support—generally to their peers, whose values and attitudes they will probably adopt. Yet, this situation can often be avoided if parents allow Bible principles to govern their family life.—Proverbs 3:5, 6.
The Family—A Divine Institution
After uniting Adam and Eve as husband and wife, God gave them this mandate: “Be fruitful and become many and fill the earth.” Thereafter, the family—father, mother, and children—came into being. (Genesis 1:28; 5:3, 4; Ephesians 3:14, 15) To help humans rear their children, Jehovah made certain basic aspects of parenting instinctive. Unlike animals, though, humans need additional help, so Jehovah provided written guidelines for them. Included are directions on moral and spiritual matters and on the proper disciplining of children.—Proverbs 4:1-4.
Addressing fathers in particular, God said: “These words that I am commanding you today must prove to be on your heart; and you must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deuteronomy 6:6, 7; Proverbs 1:8, 9) Note that parents were to put God’s law into their own heart first. Why was this important? Because the kind of teaching that truly motivates others is not from the mouth but from the heart. Only when parents teach from their heart will they reach the heart of their offspring. Such parents will also serve as fine examples for their children, who are quick to detect insincerity.—Romans 2:21.
Christian parents are told to teach their children from infancy “the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4, The Amplified Bible; 2 Timothy 3:15) From infancy? Yes! “Sometimes we parents don’t give children the credit they deserve,” wrote one mother. “We underestimate their abilities. The potential is there. We parents must utilize it.” Yes, children love to learn, and when taught by godly parents, they will also learn to love. Such children will feel safe and secure within the boundaries set for them. Hence, successful parents strive to be loving companions, good communicators, and patient but firm teachers, providing a wholesome environment in which their children thrive.*
Protect Your Children
In a letter to parents, a concerned headmaster in Germany wrote: “We should like to encourage you dear parents to venture to take a greater hand yourselves in the upbringing of your children and not surrender to the television or to the street what is actually your own share of [the responsibility for] their personality development.”
To surrender one’s child to the television or the street is, in effect, to let the spirit of the world influence the child’s upbringing. (Ephesians 2:1, 2) In direct opposition to God’s spirit, this worldly spirit, like a strong wind, carries the seeds of “earthly, animal, demonic” thinking and liberally deposits them in the mind and heart of the naive or foolish. (James 3:15) These weedlike infestations eventually corrupt the heart. Jesus illustrated the effect of what is sown in the heart, saying: “A good man brings forth good out of the good treasure of his heart, but a wicked man brings forth what is wicked out of his wicked treasure; for out of the heart’s abundance his mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45) Hence, the Bible exhorts us: “More than all else that is to be guarded, safeguard your heart, for out of it are the sources of life.”—Proverbs 4:23.
Of course, children are children, and some are prone to be contrary, even wayward. (Genesis 8:21) What can parents do? “Foolishness is tied up with the heart of a boy; the rod of discipline is what will remove it far from him,” says the Bible. (Proverbs 22:15) Some view this as harsh treatment that is out-of-date. Actually, the Bible is against violence and abuse of any sort. The “rod,” though at times literal, represents parental authority that is administered firmly but lovingly and appropriately out of concern for the children’s eternal welfare.—Hebrews 12:7-11.
Enjoy Recreation With Your Children
It is common knowledge that for children to develop properly, they need play and diversion. Wise parents take advantage of opportunities to reinforce the parent-child bond by enjoying recreation with their children whenever possible. Thus, not only can parents guide their children in choosing the right kind of recreation but they can also show the children how much they value their company.
One Witness father says that he often played ball with his son when he came home from work. A mother recalls that board games were a favorite with her children. A grown daughter remembers that her family enjoyed cycling together. All these children are now adults, but their love for their parents—and for Jehovah—is as strong as ever if not stronger.
Truly, parents who show by word and action that they love their children and want to be with them make a deep impression that often lasts a lifetime. For example, many of the graduates of one class of the Watchtower Bible School of Gilead related that their desire to pursue the full-time ministry could be attributed to the example and encouragement of their parents. What a wonderful heritage for the children and what a blessing for the parents! Granted, not all children are in a position to enter the full-time ministry when they get older, but all will certainly benefit from and honor God-fearing parents who become their closest friends and role models.—Proverbs 22:6; Ephesians 6:2, 3.
Single Parents Can Succeed
Today, many children grow up in single-parent homes. While this adds to the challenge of raising a child, success can be achieved. Single parents can take heart from the Biblical example of Eunice, a Jewish Christian of the first century. Married to an unbeliever, Eunice likely received no spiritual support from her husband. Nonetheless, she was exemplary in teaching Timothy. Her good influence on Timothy from his infancy, along with that of Lois, Timothy’s grandmother, proved to be more powerful than any negative influence that might have come from some of Timothy’s peers.—Acts 16:1, 2; 2 Timothy 1:5; 3:15.
Many young ones today who have grown up with an unbelieving parent or in a single-parent home reflect the same fine qualities young Timothy had. For example, Ryan, now 22 years old and a full-time minister, grew up in a single-parent home with his older brother and sister. Their father was an alcoholic, and he left the family when Ryan was four. “Mom was determined that our household continue to serve Jehovah,” recalled Ryan, “and she followed through on that resolve with all her heart.”
“For one thing,” said Ryan, “Mother made sure that we children enjoyed positive peer influence. She never allowed us to mix with those whom the Bible describes as bad associations, whether outside or inside the congregation. She also inculcated within us the right view of secular education.” Even though Ryan’s mother was often busy and tired from work, this did not prevent her from taking a loving interest in her children. “She always wanted to be with us and talk with us,” said Ryan. “She was a patient but firm teacher, doing her best to make sure we had a regular family Bible study. When it came to Bible principles, ‘compromise’ was not in her dictionary.”
Looking back, Ryan realizes that the most powerful human influence in his life and that of his older siblings was from a parent who truly loved God and loved her children. So you Christian parents—married or widowed, with or without a believing mate—do not give in to discouragement or temporary setbacks as you strive to teach your children. At times, some young ones, like the prodigal son, may turn away from the truth. But when they see how shallow and cold the world really is, they may return. Yes, “the righteous is walking in his integrity. Happy are his sons after him.”—Proverbs 20:7; 23:24, 25; Luke 15:11-24.
* For a more detailed discussion of these specific points, see pages 55-9 of the book The Secret of Family Happiness, published by Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Jesus’ Parents Chosen By God
When he sent his Son to be born as a human, Jehovah chose Jesus’ parents carefully. Interestingly, he chose a lowly, spiritually-minded couple who did not pamper Jesus but taught him God’s Word and the value of hard work and responsibility. (Proverbs 29:21; Lamentations 3:27) Joseph taught Jesus the trade of carpentry, and no doubt both Joseph and Mary called upon Jesus, the firstborn, to help them with the care of their other children, numbering at least six.—Mark 6:3.
You can picture Joseph’s family working together at Passover time to prepare for their annual journey to Jerusalem—a 130-mile [200 km] round-trip made without modern transportation. To be sure, a family of nine or more would have to be well-organized for such a long journey. (Luke 2:39, 41) Despite the challenges, Joseph and Mary no doubt valued these occasions, perhaps taking advantage of them to teach their children about past Biblical events.
While still at home, Jesus “continued subject to” his parents, all the time “progressing in wisdom and in physical growth and in favor with God and men.” (Luke 2:51, 52) Yes, Joseph and Mary proved worthy of Jehovah’s trust. What a fine example they are for parents today!—Psalm 127:3.
Appeared in The Watchtower April 1, 2006
Copyright © 2008 Watch Tower Bible
Giving children the attention they need
DID the Son of God have time to spend with children? Some of his disciples did not think so. On one occasion they tried to keep little ones from getting close to Jesus. He responded by saying: “Let the young children come to me; do not try to stop them.” He then lovingly received a group of children and spoke with them. (Mark 10:13-16) Jesus thus showed that he was willing to give children his attention. How can parents today follow his example? By properly training their children and spending time with them.
Of course, responsible parents actively pursue their children’s well-being and avoid mistreating them. It might even be said that it is “natural” for parents to show respect and consideration for their children. The Bible warns, however, that many in our day would no longer have “natural affection.” (2 Timothy 3:1-3) And for those who do maintain a loving interest in their children, there is always something to learn when it comes to responsible parenting. The following Bible principles are therefore welcome reminders for parents who want the best for their children.
Training Without Irritating
Dr. Robert Coles, a noted teacher and research psychiatrist, once said: “Within the child there is a developing moral sense. I happen to think it is God-given, that there is a craving for a moral order.” Who is to satisfy this hunger and thirst for moral guidance?
At Ephesians 6:4, the Scriptures exhort: “You, fathers, do not be irritating your children, but go on bringing them up in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah.” Did you notice that the scripture particularly charges the father with the responsibility of instilling in his children a love for God and a deep appreciation for divine standards? In verse 1 of Ephesians chapter 6, the apostle Paul made reference to both the father and the mother when he told children to ‘be obedient to their parents.’*
Of course, if the father is absent, then the mother must assume this responsibility. Many single mothers have successfully reared their children in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah God. However, if the mother marries, the Christian husband should take the lead. The mother should willingly follow that lead in training and disciplining their children.
Yelling and screaming can distress a child
How do you discipline or train your children without “irritating” them? There are no secret formulas, especially since every child is different. But parents must give much thought to their manner of discipline, always showing love and respect for their children. Interestingly, this matter of not irritating your children is repeated in the Scriptures at Colossians 3:21. There, fathers are again admonished: “Do not be exasperating your children, so that they do not become downhearted.”
Some parents yell and scream at their children. Undoubtedly this exasperates their young ones. But the Bible urges: “Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you.” (Ephesians 4:31) The Bible also says that “a slave of the Lord does not need to fight, but needs to be gentle toward all.”—2 Timothy 2:24.
Give Them Your Time
Giving your children the attention they need also means that you are willing to sacrifice pleasures and personal conveniences for the sake of your children’s well-being. The Bible says: “These words that I am commanding you today must prove to be on your heart; and you must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up.”—Deuteronomy 6:6, 7.
Today, demanding financial obligations allow few parents to be with their children from dawn to dusk. Yet, Deuteronomy emphasizes that parents “must” find time to spend with their young ones. Doing so requires good organization as well as sacrifice. However, children need such attention.
Consider the results of one study of over 12,000 teenagers. The conclusion of the researchers: “A strong emotional connection to a parent is the best guarantee of a teenager’s health and the strongest barrier to high-risk behaviors.” Yes, children crave attention from their parents. A mother once asked her children, “If you could have anything you wanted, what would you like most?” All four responded, “More time with Mom and Dad.”
Being a responsible parent thus means that you make sure that your children’s needs are satisfied, including their need for spiritual education and close friendship with their parents. It means helping children to become capable, respectful, and honest adults who treat their fellowman with kindness and who bring glory to their Creator. (1 Samuel 2:26) Yes, when parents train and discipline children in a godly way, they are being responsible.
* Here Paul used the Greek word go·neu´sin, from go·neus´, meaning “parent.” But in verse 4 he used the Greek word pa·te´res, meaning “fathers.”
Appeared in Awake! February 8, 2005
Of course, responsible parents actively pursue their children’s well-being and avoid mistreating them. It might even be said that it is “natural” for parents to show respect and consideration for their children. The Bible warns, however, that many in our day would no longer have “natural affection.” (2 Timothy 3:1-3) And for those who do maintain a loving interest in their children, there is always something to learn when it comes to responsible parenting. The following Bible principles are therefore welcome reminders for parents who want the best for their children.
Training Without Irritating
Dr. Robert Coles, a noted teacher and research psychiatrist, once said: “Within the child there is a developing moral sense. I happen to think it is God-given, that there is a craving for a moral order.” Who is to satisfy this hunger and thirst for moral guidance?
At Ephesians 6:4, the Scriptures exhort: “You, fathers, do not be irritating your children, but go on bringing them up in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah.” Did you notice that the scripture particularly charges the father with the responsibility of instilling in his children a love for God and a deep appreciation for divine standards? In verse 1 of Ephesians chapter 6, the apostle Paul made reference to both the father and the mother when he told children to ‘be obedient to their parents.’*
Of course, if the father is absent, then the mother must assume this responsibility. Many single mothers have successfully reared their children in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah God. However, if the mother marries, the Christian husband should take the lead. The mother should willingly follow that lead in training and disciplining their children.
Yelling and screaming can distress a child
How do you discipline or train your children without “irritating” them? There are no secret formulas, especially since every child is different. But parents must give much thought to their manner of discipline, always showing love and respect for their children. Interestingly, this matter of not irritating your children is repeated in the Scriptures at Colossians 3:21. There, fathers are again admonished: “Do not be exasperating your children, so that they do not become downhearted.”
Some parents yell and scream at their children. Undoubtedly this exasperates their young ones. But the Bible urges: “Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you.” (Ephesians 4:31) The Bible also says that “a slave of the Lord does not need to fight, but needs to be gentle toward all.”—2 Timothy 2:24.
Give Them Your Time
Giving your children the attention they need also means that you are willing to sacrifice pleasures and personal conveniences for the sake of your children’s well-being. The Bible says: “These words that I am commanding you today must prove to be on your heart; and you must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up.”—Deuteronomy 6:6, 7.
Today, demanding financial obligations allow few parents to be with their children from dawn to dusk. Yet, Deuteronomy emphasizes that parents “must” find time to spend with their young ones. Doing so requires good organization as well as sacrifice. However, children need such attention.
Consider the results of one study of over 12,000 teenagers. The conclusion of the researchers: “A strong emotional connection to a parent is the best guarantee of a teenager’s health and the strongest barrier to high-risk behaviors.” Yes, children crave attention from their parents. A mother once asked her children, “If you could have anything you wanted, what would you like most?” All four responded, “More time with Mom and Dad.”
Being a responsible parent thus means that you make sure that your children’s needs are satisfied, including their need for spiritual education and close friendship with their parents. It means helping children to become capable, respectful, and honest adults who treat their fellowman with kindness and who bring glory to their Creator. (1 Samuel 2:26) Yes, when parents train and discipline children in a godly way, they are being responsible.
* Here Paul used the Greek word go·neu´sin, from go·neus´, meaning “parent.” But in verse 4 he used the Greek word pa·te´res, meaning “fathers.”
Appeared in Awake! February 8, 2005
A childs early years,what should parents do?
How Important Is Early Child Training?
FLORENCE was 40 years old and desperately wanted a child. During her pregnancy, however, a doctor warned her that her baby could be born with a learning disability. She refused to give up, and she gave birth to a healthy baby.
Shortly after the birth of her son, Stephen, Florence began reading to him and talking to him at every opportunity. As he got older, they played games, went on outings, practiced counting, and sang songs. “Even during bath time we played something,” she remembers. It paid off.
While still in his mid-teens, Stephen graduated from the University of Miami with honors. Two years later, at age 16, he finished law school, and according to his biography, he later became the youngest lawyer in the United States. His mother, Dr. Florence Baccus—a former teacher and retired guidance counselor—has devoted much time to the study of early learning. She is convinced that the attention and stimulation she gave her son in his infancy changed his future.
Nature Versus Nurture
A subject of important controversy among child psychologists in recent times has been the role in a child’s development of “nature,” that is, what the child has inherited, and “nurture,” the rearing and training it has received. Most researchers are convinced that a child’s development is influenced by a combination of these two factors.
Early life experiencescan influence how achild’s brain develops
Child-development expert Dr. J. Fraser Mustard explains: “What we clinically now know is that the experiences the child is exposed to in the early years of his life influence how that child’s brain develops.” Professor Susan Greenfield likewise states: “We know, for example, that violinists develop more brain territory for fingers on the left hand than other people do.”
What Training to Provide
Taking a cue from these findings, many parents not only go to great lengths to send their children to the right day care but also spend lavishly on music and art classes. Some believe that if a child practices everything, when he gets older he will be able to do everything. Specialized tutoring programs and preschools are proliferating. Some parents are willing to do whatever they possibly can to give their children an advantage over others.
Play stimulates creativityand develops a child’s skills
Does this type of devotion prove entirely beneficial? While it may seem to offer children an upbringing with boundless opportunities, in many cases these children miss the crucial part of the learning experience that comes through unstructured play. Spontaneous play, say educators, stimulates creativity and develops a child’s social, mental, and emotional skills.
Some development experts believe that parent-led play is creating a new type of problem child—micromanaged children who are stressed and emotionally volatile, cannot sleep, and complain of aches and pains. One psychologist observes that by the time these children reach their teenage years, many have not learned to develop coping skills and are “burned out, antisocial and rebellious.”
Appeared in Awake! October 22, 2004
FLORENCE was 40 years old and desperately wanted a child. During her pregnancy, however, a doctor warned her that her baby could be born with a learning disability. She refused to give up, and she gave birth to a healthy baby.
Shortly after the birth of her son, Stephen, Florence began reading to him and talking to him at every opportunity. As he got older, they played games, went on outings, practiced counting, and sang songs. “Even during bath time we played something,” she remembers. It paid off.
While still in his mid-teens, Stephen graduated from the University of Miami with honors. Two years later, at age 16, he finished law school, and according to his biography, he later became the youngest lawyer in the United States. His mother, Dr. Florence Baccus—a former teacher and retired guidance counselor—has devoted much time to the study of early learning. She is convinced that the attention and stimulation she gave her son in his infancy changed his future.
Nature Versus Nurture
A subject of important controversy among child psychologists in recent times has been the role in a child’s development of “nature,” that is, what the child has inherited, and “nurture,” the rearing and training it has received. Most researchers are convinced that a child’s development is influenced by a combination of these two factors.
Early life experiencescan influence how achild’s brain develops
Child-development expert Dr. J. Fraser Mustard explains: “What we clinically now know is that the experiences the child is exposed to in the early years of his life influence how that child’s brain develops.” Professor Susan Greenfield likewise states: “We know, for example, that violinists develop more brain territory for fingers on the left hand than other people do.”
What Training to Provide
Taking a cue from these findings, many parents not only go to great lengths to send their children to the right day care but also spend lavishly on music and art classes. Some believe that if a child practices everything, when he gets older he will be able to do everything. Specialized tutoring programs and preschools are proliferating. Some parents are willing to do whatever they possibly can to give their children an advantage over others.
Play stimulates creativityand develops a child’s skills
Does this type of devotion prove entirely beneficial? While it may seem to offer children an upbringing with boundless opportunities, in many cases these children miss the crucial part of the learning experience that comes through unstructured play. Spontaneous play, say educators, stimulates creativity and develops a child’s social, mental, and emotional skills.
Some development experts believe that parent-led play is creating a new type of problem child—micromanaged children who are stressed and emotionally volatile, cannot sleep, and complain of aches and pains. One psychologist observes that by the time these children reach their teenage years, many have not learned to develop coping skills and are “burned out, antisocial and rebellious.”
Appeared in Awake! October 22, 2004
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